WEEKEND READING, 1.8.17

Happy Sunday, all. We made it through our first week of 2017!

One of the links I’m sharing this Sunday is Stella Blackmon‘s reflection on making friends as an adult. It’s refreshing, an honest look at how hard it can be to explore new situations, to put oneself out there, to accept that intimacy takes time.

A few weeks ago, I had dinner with a friend. It had been too long–at least six months, if not more. As he and I got to talking, it became clear that we’d both had challenging years. I told him about my depression and other experiences that have changed the way I look at things. He told me about his own struggles, which sprung from a different source than mine and yet manifested in strikingly similar ways.

A day or two later, I emailed him to thank him for the conversation. As we wrote, it became clear that we both felt some remorse that it had taken us so long to open up to each other; after all, we live in the same city. Here we were, miles away from each other, wrestling with similar problems and yet totally unaware of what the other was experiencing. We even exchanged a few sunny and casual text messages along the way. Had we confided sooner, we might have supported each other through tough times.

What matters, of course, is that we did find a way to communicate. But our exchange prompted some important realizations. For my part, I became aware of my tendency to isolate when I’m struggling. I don’t usually communicate hardship until after I’ve processed it, which makes me feel protected but also tends to enhance the loneliness of the experience. By the time I do share, the urgency of what I’m feeling has often passed by.

My friend noted that our conversation had made him aware of the extent to which social media and virtual communication give him a false sense of connectedness; he has the sensation of knowing what’s going on in his friends’ lives because of what he reads and sees in the form of updates and shares. But what we put on social media is selective, and sometimes it belies what’s really going on.

To some extent, I can relate. When I open up about something in writing–through blogging, or over email–I feel a sense of disclosure. But to put things in writing (a process that’s easier for me than spoken communication) is not the same as connecting with a friend face-to-face, spontaneously. It doesn’t replace eye contact, the touch of a hand, a shoulder to lean on or be offered for leaning.

This isn’t to say that I don’t value deeply my written communications, or that I don’t clasp my virtual friendships tightly to my heart. I do, and I can’t imagine what my life would be like without them. I also value the importance of privacy, of turning inward in order to reflect and process. But for someone like me, face-to-face or voice-to-voice communication–sitting down for coffee, picking up the phone–is both uniquely challenging and also especially meaningful once I’ve had the guts to do it. I’m grateful to my friend for reminding me of this.

It’s not easy to make oneself vulnerable, to embrace new situations, to stride bravely into a room of strangers. It can be difficult to accept that adult friendships might mature more gradually than the intense friendships of childhood and adolescence. But to flex the muscle of connection is still, I think, a meaningful experience, one that gives us a chance to discover and delight in our differences as well as to take comfort in what we share. Props to Stella for writing about it with humor and honesty.

I hope you’ll enjoy the other reads this week, and that you’ll be inspired by these vibrant recipes.

RECIPES

Maybe 2017 will be the year in which I learn to do a lot more with buckwheat groats than put them into granola clusters. Thomas’ vibrant cashew buckwheat curry with kale is good inspiration, a reminder that buckwheat can a great addition to any soup or stew.

Speaking of kale, I’m really loving the simplicity of Harriet Emily’s cavolo nero in tomato sauce. It reminds me of a dish my grandmother used to make all the time, which was green beans simmered in a rich, thick tomato sauce. It was a childhood favorite of mine, and I imagine it would be wonderful with dark leafy greens, too.

I love a good taco, and right now I’m eyeing Samantha’s recipe for Mexican style street tacos with cauliflower and chickpeas. So much texture here, and a tasty spice mixture of turmeric, paprika, and cumin.

Speaking of tacos, I bet Ashley’s winter slaw with jalapeno tahini dressing would be a perfect accompaniment (as well as a flavorful side dish for any other meal). I love the simplicity of this recipe: the dressing is just four ingredients!

It’s been a while since I made a good, wintery casserole, but I’m feeling mighty inspired by Anthea’s lentil and purple sweet potato shepherd’s pie. The purple potatoes make for a stunningly colorful and pretty dish.